To Blog or Not to Blog

I haven’t been here for a while (hola, you ten faithful readers in Brazil who keep on visiting!) and I have no excuse, save the fact that my blogging mojo has been seriously depleted of late and I have devoted more time than I care to admit to feeling badly about my writing and being completely intimidated by other more polished blogs and writers who look edgy and are all geometric-hipster-haircuts and matte lip colour.

I’ve been writing on and off my whole life and certainly I have been published regularly in that short blasts of non-fiction/fiction here and there kind of way but it’s not really satisfying to me. It’s like making do with cheese and crackers and pretending it’s enough when actually, you are still starving; in fact, it’s like you are pretending you even like cheese and crackers in the first place.

I don’t know why short fiction has an inferiority complex but to me it does. I want the depth of a novel behind me, something I can point at and say, there, see that? I wrote that and there is my name and photo even if the same book is now wedged in the remainder bin …

The most terrifying thing of all as you go along life’s way is to really, really try and give writing your full focus – because then it becomes necessary to face the biggest demon of all: the one that confirms your worst fears.

I cannot succeed as a writer.

I am not good enough because I tried as hard as I could and failed.

Writing is so disposable – my words are read and then discarded like the wax paper that encases a fast food burger.

All the years prior to this, one can blame a myriad of causes for failure to thrive: young children, a demanding job, a demanding partner, no time, etc. But when you actually MAKE the time and give it your all and still, the book contract and recognition does not come? That is a very sobering place to be.

Strangely, what I tell my partner and other writers I have encountered is exactly the opposite of what I tell myself. I say, and believe: the process is what matters! Writing really is art – and it’s important to just show up and write. I so admire anyone who truly gives it their all regardless of whether they ever publish or not – the trying piece is so important. So why do I practice self-loathing myself?

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