Top Ten Things I Should Not Do – But Do Anyway

 

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1. Look at my reflection in a shiny saucepan lid as I hang over it for the full, concave-aging effect
2. Capture the image on my phone so that I can check periodically to see if it was as upsetting as I originally thought (Note: It is).
3. Try on and impulsively buy slim and sexy pumps which are marginally uncomfortable in the store. Never wear them but feel fleetingly like Carrie Bradshaw.
4. Unable to stave off a craving for thin tubular macaroni I eat the entire box complete with dreadful, white powdered cheeze [sic] and then watch in fascinated horror as my waist becomes a personal floatation device.
5. Judiciously wait for items to go on sale and then – when on sale – falter till item is sold out. Repeat.
6. Indulge in Litter-Box Roulette, hoping that I may have one more day before cleaning the box. The Siamese however, have a low tolerance for gambling.
7. Go to health food store for advice on vitamins in an attempt for better health and vitality. Spend way more than I should and then, after consulting the internet feel completely freaked out with the many cautions listed and the fact that my fish oils may be from non-Scandinavian livers.
8. Knowing that a deadline is near I distract myself with mindless internet searches such as learning how to make my own soap from violets or wondering if Airbnb has reached the Hebrides.
9. Meticulously clean out the drawer in my kitchen that contains strange, unrelated items such as lone souvenir key rings, abandoned nail polish and expired batteries. Weeks later, I slide a hammer and some loose change in just as company is coming and hate myself for both perpetuating the cycle AND noticing it.
10. We all know people who invite us out for “a quick drink” after work and we understand that accepting this invitation will mean anything but. There will be many drinks; in fact, we will not be home for dinner. Within 90 minutes of the invitation, we may well be eating a basket of something deep fried and sincerely unwholesome. The following morning, I will have many regrets and thanks to 3400 units of sodium, a face like a bath mat.

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