Anyone who dismisses the notion of The Full Moon having an undesirable effect on people should consider working in a public library for just a few scant hours.

This past week has been especially trying and I confess that I have been fantasizing about wine at an hour that many would consider a bad sign …

Yesterday I had a (seemingly) very nice gentleman present himself at the reference desk in a dapper, tweed jacket and matching trilby. He smiled and said he wanted to know exactly what becoming a “vegan” might entail.

This is not an unusual question at all and since I also have a particular interest in food myself, I wasted no time in steering him to my favorite vegan cookbook writers, noting the most popular vegan restaurants close by and generally offering up any other suggestions that I could think of.

Fortified with this information, here is how our conversation went:

GENTLEMAN (previously known as sane): So, what can I eat as a vegan, though? What can I actually eat?

ME: (Confused) Well, basically anything that isn’t an animal or anything that’s a by-product of those things. No eggs, cheese or dairy of course. You have to check labels too.

GENTLEMAN: Could I eat a walnut?

ME: Yes, that would be fine. Anything that isn’t an animal.

GENTLEMAN: Could I eat a sardine?

ME: Sardines are very healthy, yes, but, as a vegan you couldn’t eat them. They’re fish, you see.

GENTLEMAN: That doesn’t seem right. I love a good sardine. Why isn’t there a list so I know what I can eat?

ME: (Running finger down a page in cookbooks) There’s a list here and also in this book, here …

GENTLEMAN: (Becoming angry) NO! I came in here for some help. Get on the internet, there has to be a list there …

ME: But really, vegans eat anything that’s not an animal … anything without a face …

GENTLEMAN: (Leaning into computer screen and jabbing at screen) There! There! “6 foods you must never eat!” It’s right there! Is there a reason why you won’t print that for me?

ME: (Quickly tapping to print) Okay - I can print this, yes.

GENTLEMAN: And what about bananas? You’re going to tell me I can’t eat those too! Well? Aren’t you?

ME: (Flustered) No, not at all. Bananas would be perfectly acceptable in a vegan diet.

GENTLEMAN: HA! But monkeys eat them! Monkeys! No meat you said. It’s what you just said!

ME: Sir, that would only apply if you ate the monkey.

He left shaking his head, huffing with rage, dropping the books heavily on the desk but clutching his print-out.

(It’s funny too, because yet again, I was unable to make any of the handy phrases I have learned in past training modules ring true: “Sir, when you talk about not eating sardines, I feel unhappy. How can I make things right for you today?)