1. Every time I have “booked exercise time into my schedule” I am suddenly seduced by other more vital tasks such as liberating the toaster tray of crumbs and giving the side panels a really good going over with Windex.
2. I persuade myself with incredible ease that buying work out clothes online is exactly the treat I need to really jump start the whole process.
3. Perusing celebrity “secrets” online is particularly deadly – the search results are endless, depressing and ultimately not applicable AT ALL to myself. It’s basically useless to know that Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Anniston both start the day by downing a liter of fresh, filtered water because that is not what makes them beautiful – it’s called DNA. (Buy a case of San Pellegrino though, just in case).
4. Music makes working out so much easier – why not construct the perfect playlist? In fact, why not test drive most of the songs by viewing the original artists performing them on youtube? (Actual time lapse: 1.5 hours oopps, no time to exercise now …)
5. Take several work out books from library to peruse at my leisure on the couch with a tube of Pringles and some Pinot Grigio; this is true research and not to be mocked. Next week really will be different.
6. Never underestimate the power of a man who smells amazing and presses his chest hair against you just as you are preparing to get up early – in the chill air only available at 6 am. This is the worst temptation of all. Mental note to also switch to a lower, less wonderful thread count …
7. Just before work out begins, regard self in full length mirror in most flattering light available. Squeeze buttocks till they are raised to their previous glory and feel affirmed enough to avoid exercising. Till tomorrow.
8. Remind myself that last time I began working out in earnest, I nearly put my back out. (Do not remind myself that chiropractor also said it was important to start really slowly …)
9. Spend inordinate amounts of time brooding over facebook friends who are posting their running stats, awards and marathon t-shirts. Would a fitbit help me? Make terrible judgements about the state of their inner spiritual lives and intellects whilst enjoying some mature cheddar.
10. Literally forget that I promised myself to exercise. Suddenly, become so immersed in making crème caramel or cleaning out that really grimy place beneath the stove that I totally avoid the gaze of my new running shoes which are now regarding me dolefully from the door …